Weekly Update.

– Back up in this bitch: The short of it is that I took a break due to (or as Harter loves putting it: “doo doo”) travel and then that break extended much longer than I had originally planned. For that: I do not apologize. I do offer a peace offering:

On the left is a pornstar named April, who is on Twitter and loves showing her tits. Worth mentioning. This is her Tumblr (where above pic is from), which features titties, Daleks, and seemingly good times. The other girl is named Samantha Saint and is also in porn and on Twitter, but doesn’t tweet pics like April.

– Boxing: A whole bunch of shit went down, but basically we learned that Manny Pacquiao would not stand a chance against Floyd Mayweather, Jr.; that Oscar De La Hoya loves blow and wearing women’s lingerie; that Andre Ward is the best super middleweight and fighter of 2011; that Mayweather might spend 90 days in jail; and that it’s not only corrupt politicians in D.C., it’s also the boxing referees.  (ESPN)

– Achilles: According to a study, there have been “two to five times” more Achilles ruptures in the NFL this season. The average is between four and ten ruptures in a season and, with three games left, there have already been 20 ruptures this year. Scientists blame the lockout and worry for NBA players. (Did you know that “Achilles tendon ruptures normally strike veteran players who have been playing in the NFL for an average of six years”? Now you do.)  (Discovery)

– Rebellion: How it works:  (Dilbert)

– Always Sunny: Remember the episode when the gang drank wine out of a can? Now you can, too:  (Carpe Diem)

– I know Kung Fu: Researchers at Boston University and ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories in Kyoto, Japan, have found a way to manipulate your brainwaves so you learn faster and retain that knowledge better. Mind control? Perhaps:  (Discovery)

“We found that subjects were not aware of what was to be learned while behavioral data obtained before and after the neurofeedback training showed that subjects’ visual performance improved specifically for the target orientation,” Watanabe said.

– NBA Uniforms: Get the rundown of all the changes at Paul Lukas’ (of Uni Watch) ESPN article. But there are several things to point out. First, the Heat will wear black on black (on black) for “important” home games this year (they’re shiny again):

The Knicks did the opposite and got rid of the black in their logo, while the Kings will showcase a new black alternate. Oh, and please vote for “B. Franklin Dogg” to be the new Sixers mascot, which is a terrible idea. The Blazers will rep “Rip City” on March 18th, which is a great idea. And finally, the Raptors have psuedo-3D logos underneath the baskets on their court. Pretty cool, yet weird.  (ESPN)

– The Roots: The new album, undun, is not terrible. Fourteen tracks, but really only 9 songs (unless you like orchestra shit with your rap). Billed as a concept album, the album focuses on street life and how shitty it is for young black males, specifically for one black male, because no rap song has ever touched on that subject. Tracks two through seven are all good, then a shitty chorus kills track 8 (“Lighthouse”) for me. Hey, if you can’t swizzim then you’re gonna drizzown.

– I just like this headline: Artificial Intestines Near Reality“.  (Discovery)

– NeverWet: This spray-on substance means your shit stays dry and stain free. Unbelievably stain free:  (Carpe Diem)

– Krista Ayne: Over Monday, December 19th, and Tuesday, the 20th, 252 people found this site by searching for “krista ayne” on the internet. Most wound up on this update, which features Krista prominently and I highly recommend you check her out. Here’s a pic from her Twitter page:

Also worth noting that during the same time-frame, two people found this site by searching for “asshole,” and one found this site by searching for “taint sex.” Ah, you don’t care, so go look at this ass shot of hers (great ass, terrible photo, otherwise I’d post it).

– Blackboards in Porn: Here’s a site that critiques blackboards that are showcased in pornos. Really wish it was more not safe for work, but dude must have found the only PG pics from the pornos.  (Wired)

– “A kill switch for viruses”: A man with PhDs in electrical engineering and computer science has developed a drug that seeks out bad cells and forces them to commit suicide. He has had the drug work in the lab on “dengue fever, a stomach virus, and a polio virus,” among others. To wit’ing like a motherfucker:

To create [the drug], Rider combined two proteins commonly found in the human body. One binds to viral double-stranded ribonucleic acid, a type of molecule found in all viruses. The other induces apoptosis, which is essentially programmed cell suicide. The drug acts like a homing missile that seeks out and kills cells infected by a virus. It appears to have few negative consequences and works against all diseases, even as they mutate.

Pretty impressive shit, if I do say so myself.  (Dad)

– A vaccine for prostate cancer: In what is described as “preliminary but promising,” Mayo Clinic “researchers and collaborators from the UK have apparently cured mice with well-established prostate tumors with no visible side effects via a new kind of tumor vaccine.” They expect the vaccine to work for other cancers as well. So who wants to argue that life expectancy will decrease in the coming years?  (PopSci)

– Nose candy: Want to get high through your nose? May be coming to a drugstore near you, if you live in Germany.  (Wooten)

– Ah, Twitter: Alexis Ford, pornstar, recently received new breasts and she’s rather proud. She shows them here:

She captioned that one “drunk horney (sic) all of the above”

She also asks you to “motor boat these tits”:

But while her tit pics are also welcomed, it is this tweet that sums her up nicely:

If I had a dick I would pull it out and piss on sum bitches

– That’s it? Yup. Unless you want to read an Op-Ed from an owner of a construction company bitch about people on unemployment (Carpe Diem), or see what light looks at a trillion frames per second (PopSci), or hear Shit Black Girls Say (The Daily What), or read how strawberries protect your stomach when drinking (Gizmodo), then I guess it isn’t.

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Weekly Update

– Boxing: Tonight “Pretty Boy” Floyd “Money” Mayweather “And I Ain’t No Motherfucking” Junior returns to the ring to take on Victor “You Might As Well Be Talking To A Tree” Ortiz. (Seriously, that’s what Ortiz says about people who try to insult him.) 24/7 was fantastic, which is what happens when Mayweather stars in it. The first episode had a five minute argument between “Money” and his father, with Mayweather ending the episode saying that Roger (his trainer/uncle) and he are the only Mayweathers that matter, adding that he “ain’t no motherfucking Junior”. The fight is on HBO PPV on September 17th, which I will not be watching live. So like, no spoilers.

– Stitches suck: Especially on your blood vessels, which is what doctors do during heart surgeries. Now that could be a thing of the past thanks to this “phase-changing gel“. They’ll use the gel to glue your vessels together. And that’s better than poking the shit out of them with needles and rope.  (PopSci)

– Looks messy: It looks baller, but feel like water would just spill out the sides all day long:  (Core77)

– Pornchestra: Go here to watch Bach’s Badinerie from Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B minor as sung by clips of pornstars getting plowed. And if you think that’s safe for work, then please hire me.  (The World’s Best Ever)

– A true hippie funeral: If you want to have the least environmental impact, then you should have your body liquefied (I was going to write “after you die”, but supposedly we just shit on the environment no matter what we do, so save the planet and liquefy yourself today!).  (New Scientist)

– Get whisked away: Can’t shove your whisk into a drawer? Then buy this one:  (Gizmodo)

– Ahem: Apparently Half Baked is a fucking liar. To wit in this mothafucka:  (Wooten)

Heavy marijuana use doesn’t seem to cause any sort of lasting brain damage. All the negative side-effects are relatively temporary. (But those side-effects are real.) Furthermore, the sort of anxiolytic giddiness triggered by THC comes with its own unexpected benefits, which is probably why humans have been self-medicating with cannabis for thousands of years.

– Unrelated: Porsche designed this:  (The World’s Best Ever)

– How ya gonna do it? Stanley Chow has this Biggie poster for sale on his site:  (Stanley Chow Illustrations)

– Vessel repossession: Don’t you hate it when your cargo ship gets held up in some douche’s port? Some federale saying your papers aren’t right? Well, call in this guy and he’ll steal back your fucking ship.  (Carpe Diem)

– No more Mos Def: The rapper is changing his name to Yasiin after 2011. Whatever.  (KSK)

– I am the Eggman: In The Beatles song “I Am The Walrus”, Lennon claims to be the “Eggman”. This is false. The Eggman is Eric Burdon, lead singer of The Animals. Eric got this nickname because he loved to break eggs on naked women. Burdon’s friends called him “Eggs” because of his infatuation, but when Lennon was present for an display of this, Lennon yelled out “go on, get it Eggman!”  (Dad)

– Semen perfume: It’s called “Sécrétions Magnifiques” and is described thusly:

like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Sécrétions Magnifiques is as real as an olfactory coitus that sends one into raptures… the slightly salty marine effect stirs, arouses and sets your mouth watering.

Ugh. (The Best of the Web Today)

– Unis: There’s a lot of new or special college football uniforms for this season, which you can read here (figured by now everyone had seen how shitty Maryland’s new unis are). In the NFL, only the Bills have new uniforms and I fucking love them, except that the stripe widens in the back of the helmet. That’s just stupid. Here are the Bills new unis, via:

– Ahem: Yeah, you need titties. And titties I got. I got sent these from ‘Bram who knows the guy that took them. And they are lovely:

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t see no titties in hurr.” Patience:

And finally:

– The Marks’ Financial Update: It’s been a month since we last checked in the Marks and how they were doing. It’s also been a hectic stock market during that time period. So how did they fare?

  • MAB – Bunk has a had a solid lead up to his chirtieth birfday, rising from $13.40 and closing on September 16th at $13.80. Not sure what investors are seeing as all of his vacation days are spent with three months to go in the year, due to the fact that he has asshole friends that throw parties for themselves.
  • MFL – When we last left Mark, he was sitting comfortably at $13.03. And then the next day he jumped off a cliff (not literally, dude is very much alive) and fell down to $12.39 in one day. Ouch. But like Beyonce, Mark is a survivor (but not pregnant) and came right back up in two days to $13.19 and then rose to $13.73 to be right at Bunk’s heels.
  • MDH – Harter drew a straight line down to $2.01 from $2.60 over a two-day span, but like Mark Lee above, he did not quit and kept on keepin’ on. He closed on $2.36 on September 16th, saving himself some embarrassment from his earlier drop. After being up as much as 40% this year, Harter is now only up around 12%. Tread lightly, Harter.

– Shooting memories, not bullets: I was in Carbondale, Colorado for Heidi and Mike’s wedding over Labor Day Weekend and both the state, at least the parts I saw, and the wedding were beautiful. The ceremony was outside on a pasture underneath a clear blue sky with other cliched adjectives and nouns people would use to describe a fucking gorgeous wedding. Everyone was taking pictures, including myself. Correction: I took one picture. As Heidi and Mike were exchanging vows (honestly though, “vow” is a better term… /ducks the chair Heidi just threw) I decided it was the perfect opportunity to take this:

That is a cricket (grasshopper?) that stayed on the chair in front of me throughout the entire wedding ceremony. It even looked like he or she was paying attention to the moment. Over an amazing Labor Day weekend in which I drove through a canyon, saw every star imaginable, witnessed two good friends seal the deal, and get “bro”d by Mrs. Landis, that shitty grasshopper (I checked) is the only picture I took. And it isn’t even that good of a picture.

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Weekly Updated.

(WARNING: No naked chicks below.)

– Boxing: 24/7 for Mayweather vs. Ortiz starts next Saturday, August 27th, on HBO. They’ll also be shown on CNN if you don’t get HBO.

– Melodica: We saw one of these on a rooftop Saturday:

It’s called a melodica and you can buy one here if you are so inclined. The Wikipedia page for melodicas has a lot of “citation needed”s, so not sure how much we can trust it. But basically, these things were seen in the 19th century, but not really used until the 1950s and 1960s. If you still want to buy one, please note that the “melodica is the perfect instrument for busking.” Then again, you may end up looking like this guy:

– RZA traintable, jump the turnstyle: Since the fine for jumping the turnstyle in the New York subway system is $100, and NYPD only catches around 0.6% of jumpers (1 out 154), you might as well jump. Go ahead and jump.  (Wooten)

– Kick Cancer in the Balls: That’s the team name Joe Capizzi is using for the Livestrong (sorry, LIVESTRONG) bike event in Phlly on August 20th. Help Capiz reach his goal here. And for those wondering why he uses that name… think about it… yup, cancer of the balls. And he kicked that shit.  (Capizzi)

– A sphincter says what? Scientists are implanting artificial sphincters in mice so they don’t shit themselves (the mice, that is). The scientists hope to one day implant fake asshole in old people so they don’t shit themselves either.  (Geekologie)

– Like an escort? “Rent Marcus in New Orleans for $15 an hour to experience the nightlife on Bourbon Street.” “Rent Maria in Miami for $30 an hour to learn Spanish.” The site isn’t live yet, but Pal Locale will let you rent people for totally non-sexual things.  (Carpe Diem)

– Bud: Budweiser will be using new cans, not sure when though so keep an eye out for these:  (Wooten)

– It’s OK to take pictures of their asses: Two female volleyball players in England are wearing advertisements on their ass cheeks. Like so:

That thing on her butt is called a QR code. If you take a picture of it with a smartphone, you’ll be directed to Betfair’s website.  (Carpe Diem)

– Plywood pixels: So this:

Is made like this:  (Core77)

– Get HD without cable/satellite: For $44 you can buy an antennae called the Mohu Leaf, which looks like a mousepad. Hide it behind a picture, or bookcase (not sure why you don’t hide it behind the TV), and you get over-the-air free HD. I don’t think that includes ESPN, though.  (Discovery)

– Work out at work: This just looks terrible:  (The World’s Best Ever)

– OBNC: I hate those bumper stickers, but I do love this time-lapse of the Outer Banks:  (Gizmodo)

– Watch The Throne: First off, you should really watch Game of Thrones, available on demand on HBO. Second, you should probably listen to Watch The Throne, Jay-Z and Kanye’s joint album. It’s decent, but I’m not so good at reviewing things. You know who is? The fake Ghostface Killah. Here’s his take on one of the shittiest songs I’ve ever heard:

11. Made In America (ft. Frank Ocean) – First of all son….Lionel Richie called from 1986 n said he wants his song back yo. Word. Sade jus holla’d on twitter to say this shit is soft as fuck namsayin. I think Elton John wants to conceive babies to this joint b. Drake said he gon soak in his lotion pool to this shit rite here for like a week son. I think Wiz Khagina is scissorin wit Amber Rose to this shit rite now as we speak yo. I heard this shit gon be used for the next Gwyneth Paltrow movie too. I dont kno how the same nigga that did Who Gon Stop Me had anything to do wit this shit but apparently he did nahmean. This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son. I think this is bout to be on Yung Berg’s yoga playlist. I cant fuck wit this shit at all b. This shit is like audio lesbian comin out my speakers son.

“This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son.” Whatever that means, he’s right.  (The World’s Best Ever)

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