Monthly Archives: September 2011

Weekly Update

– Boxing: Tonight “Pretty Boy” Floyd “Money” Mayweather “And I Ain’t No Motherfucking” Junior returns to the ring to take on Victor “You Might As Well Be Talking To A Tree” Ortiz. (Seriously, that’s what Ortiz says about people who try to insult him.) 24/7 was fantastic, which is what happens when Mayweather stars in it. The first episode had a five minute argument between “Money” and his father, with Mayweather ending the episode saying that Roger (his trainer/uncle) and he are the only Mayweathers that matter, adding that he “ain’t no motherfucking Junior”. The fight is on HBO PPV on September 17th, which I will not be watching live. So like, no spoilers.

– Stitches suck: Especially on your blood vessels, which is what doctors do during heart surgeries. Now that could be a thing of the past thanks to this “phase-changing gel“. They’ll use the gel to glue your vessels together. And that’s better than poking the shit out of them with needles and rope.  (PopSci)

– Looks messy: It looks baller, but feel like water would just spill out the sides all day long:  (Core77)

– Pornchestra: Go here to watch Bach’s Badinerie from Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B minor as sung by clips of pornstars getting plowed. And if you think that’s safe for work, then please hire me.  (The World’s Best Ever)

– A true hippie funeral: If you want to have the least environmental impact, then you should have your body liquefied (I was going to write “after you die”, but supposedly we just shit on the environment no matter what we do, so save the planet and liquefy yourself today!).  (New Scientist)

– Get whisked away: Can’t shove your whisk into a drawer? Then buy this one:  (Gizmodo)

– Ahem: Apparently Half Baked is a fucking liar. To wit in this mothafucka:  (Wooten)

Heavy marijuana use doesn’t seem to cause any sort of lasting brain damage. All the negative side-effects are relatively temporary. (But those side-effects are real.) Furthermore, the sort of anxiolytic giddiness triggered by THC comes with its own unexpected benefits, which is probably why humans have been self-medicating with cannabis for thousands of years.

– Unrelated: Porsche designed this:  (The World’s Best Ever)

– How ya gonna do it? Stanley Chow has this Biggie poster for sale on his site:  (Stanley Chow Illustrations)

– Vessel repossession: Don’t you hate it when your cargo ship gets held up in some douche’s port? Some federale saying your papers aren’t right? Well, call in this guy and he’ll steal back your fucking ship.  (Carpe Diem)

– No more Mos Def: The rapper is changing his name to Yasiin after 2011. Whatever.  (KSK)

– I am the Eggman: In The Beatles song “I Am The Walrus”, Lennon claims to be the “Eggman”. This is false. The Eggman is Eric Burdon, lead singer of The Animals. Eric got this nickname because he loved to break eggs on naked women. Burdon’s friends called him “Eggs” because of his infatuation, but when Lennon was present for an display of this, Lennon yelled out “go on, get it Eggman!”  (Dad)

– Semen perfume: It’s called “Sécrétions Magnifiques” and is described thusly:

like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Sécrétions Magnifiques is as real as an olfactory coitus that sends one into raptures… the slightly salty marine effect stirs, arouses and sets your mouth watering.

Ugh. (The Best of the Web Today)

– Unis: There’s a lot of new or special college football uniforms for this season, which you can read here (figured by now everyone had seen how shitty Maryland’s new unis are). In the NFL, only the Bills have new uniforms and I fucking love them, except that the stripe widens in the back of the helmet. That’s just stupid. Here are the Bills new unis, via:

– Ahem: Yeah, you need titties. And titties I got. I got sent these from ‘Bram who knows the guy that took them. And they are lovely:

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t see no titties in hurr.” Patience:

And finally:

– The Marks’ Financial Update: It’s been a month since we last checked in the Marks and how they were doing. It’s also been a hectic stock market during that time period. So how did they fare?

  • MAB – Bunk has a had a solid lead up to his chirtieth birfday, rising from $13.40 and closing on September 16th at $13.80. Not sure what investors are seeing as all of his vacation days are spent with three months to go in the year, due to the fact that he has asshole friends that throw parties for themselves.
  • MFL – When we last left Mark, he was sitting comfortably at $13.03. And then the next day he jumped off a cliff (not literally, dude is very much alive) and fell down to $12.39 in one day. Ouch. But like Beyonce, Mark is a survivor (but not pregnant) and came right back up in two days to $13.19 and then rose to $13.73 to be right at Bunk’s heels.
  • MDH – Harter drew a straight line down to $2.01 from $2.60 over a two-day span, but like Mark Lee above, he did not quit and kept on keepin’ on. He closed on $2.36 on September 16th, saving himself some embarrassment from his earlier drop. After being up as much as 40% this year, Harter is now only up around 12%. Tread lightly, Harter.

– Shooting memories, not bullets: I was in Carbondale, Colorado for Heidi and Mike’s wedding over Labor Day Weekend and both the state, at least the parts I saw, and the wedding were beautiful. The ceremony was outside on a pasture underneath a clear blue sky with other cliched adjectives and nouns people would use to describe a fucking gorgeous wedding. Everyone was taking pictures, including myself. Correction: I took one picture. As Heidi and Mike were exchanging vows (honestly though, “vow” is a better term… /ducks the chair Heidi just threw) I decided it was the perfect opportunity to take this:

That is a cricket (grasshopper?) that stayed on the chair in front of me throughout the entire wedding ceremony. It even looked like he or she was paying attention to the moment. Over an amazing Labor Day weekend in which I drove through a canyon, saw every star imaginable, witnessed two good friends seal the deal, and get “bro”d by Mrs. Landis, that shitty grasshopper (I checked) is the only picture I took. And it isn’t even that good of a picture.

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