Weekly Update.

(WARNING: No naked chicks below.)

– Correction: Two weeks ago I wrote that Arizona would wear blue helmets that had stripes down the middle for the Alamo Bowl.  That was fucking stupid of me and what I really saw was just the reflection of light on the helmet (they wore just their normal solid blue helmets).  I promise I’ll never lie to you ever again.  Except maybe in that last sentence.

– Boxing: Dan Rafael, ESPN, posted some year-end awards:

– Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage: Did you know Coolio is a chef?  That’s right.  You can buy his book here (called Cookin’ with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price) and you can view his cooking show here (it’s not really on TV, just a site called “My Damn Channel”).  The show is as terrible as you think a cooking show with a washed up Coolio could be.  I learned that there are some “salad eatin’ bitches” out there, and that you should yell “SHAKA ZULU!” whenever you can.  Oh, and that you should put all your spices in dimebags:

(Yeah, this was a lot funnier when Money first called me to tell me he got the cooking book for Christmas.  I do wonder if Coolio is still sending out autographed bell peppers.)

– Urinal game: Don’t you hate when you can’t play a game and take a piss at the same time for fear your phone might splash in your own pee-pee (which is better than another person’s pee-pee)?  Well, in Japan they are already playing the urinal game:  (Core77)

– This cane’ll fuck you up: It’s a shocker disguised inside a cane.  Some pimps bitch slap, others bitch shock:  (Gizmodo)

– Happy New Year: Sorry I’m a tad late here, but here’s how to open a champagne bottle with a “saber”.  And here are some hangover tips (their number one tip is to not drink, so not the best place for advice).  (bottle, Wired; hungover, Discovery News)

– Gangsta garter: A garter belt for yo’ saggy ass jeans, son:  (Boing Boing)

– Just jiggle it baby: Here’s a device that women strap under their titties that is supposed to make their titties all like bla-dow.  I just like watching boobies jiggle:  (The Daily What)

– That’s not the spirit: Donna Simpson, vying to be the fattest woman in the world, ate a meal fit for a king… and a king’s village on Christmas:

The single mother-of-two tucked into two 25lb turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 15lbs of potatoes (10lbs roast, 5lbs mashed), five loaves of bread, five pounds of herb stuffing, four pints of gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing and an astonishing 20lbs of vegetables.

I love that the vegetables are “astonishing”.  In fact, it is fucking astonishing especially when you read later about the salad she ate:

After polishing off her enormous main course, she still had room for dessert and ate a ‘salad’ made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies.

What the fuck is cream cheese doing in that, by the way?  Marshmallow, whipped cream, and cookies would sound pretty tasty to a five-year-old.  Shit, that is tasty.  (Ben)

– The highPhone: There’s an app that teaches you how to roll a joint.  Because that’s really hard to figure out.  (Gizmodo)

– Panda cow: Anyone in the market for a special miniature cow?  There are only 24 “panda cows” out there in the world.  Why not make Ben yours?  (Geekologie)

– The Marks’ Financial Update, Year End Edition:

  • MAB – Bunk comes in at last place this year (he also finished last between the Marks in the Moonti league) falling 14.86% in 2010.  This Mark opened the year at $15.20, went sideways for most of the year until November 8th when he hit $15.22, then that was it.  He couldn’t stop the year-end slide and closed the year at $12.94
  • MFL – Mark was relatively flat for the year, opening at $13 in 2010 and closing at $12.78, a drop off of 1.69%.  Mark must have been on the same cycle as Bunk, as he also did nothing but drop since November 8th’s $14.24.  Here’s hoping a marriage in 2011 brings him back up.  Wait, Bunk’s getting married too… you guys are on the same cycle.  And by “same cycle” I’m making a menstrual joke.  I’m implying you both have vaginas that bleed at the same time.  (Sorry mom).
  • MDH – Harter, the most volatile Mark, knows how to fucking close out a year.  No November 8th slide for this guy, just a Moonti championship and a financial crown as well as Harter opened 2010 at $2.04 and closed out at $2.11.  It isn’t much, but those seven cents equals a gain 3.43%.  Of course, Harter could have balled out since he was up over 100% on April 30th at $4.88, but whatever.  A win’s a win.

– But are they a good investment? The S&P 500 was up over 15% this year.  So no, I still don’t recommend actually buying these guys.  Sorry.

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