Weekly Update.

(WARNING: No naked chicks below)

– Boxing: 24/7 airs at 9:30 PM this Saturday (tonight) prior to the fights:

• Tonight night Kelly Pavlik (36-1, 32 KOs) takes on Sergio Martinez (44-2-2, 24 KOs) and I’d like to see Martinez win this one.  Before that, Lucian Bute (25-0, 20 KOs) (a boxer many think will take on the winner of Showtime’s Super Six World Boxing Classic) fights Edison Miranda (33-4, 29 KOs).  Miranda’s best defense is his chin, so look for a knock out here.

– Immortal jellyfish: They can live forever by using transdifferentiation (every cell in the jellyfish’s body can regrow in the same way a salamander’s tail can, and the way is ballin’). The jellyfish go from “immature polyp stage, to a mature adult, and then back to its polyp stage again.”  Give me some of that shit.  (Boing Boing)

– Fucking hipsters: Williamsburg, in the ol’ BK, has only a 30% return rate on the census (as of 4/10). Nate Stark, tells us why hipsters don’t want to answer ten questions: “like, what’s the point? When it comes down to it, nobody wants to fill out like another form that’s just like getting sent to your house that really relatively has nothing to do with your life.”  Mr. Stark thinks if they gave out $5 we’d all do it.  I really can’t argue with that logic, since I agree that incentives are king.  But like, the point is like so we know how many like representatives we can like send to congress, or something, so like your voice is heard in like, laws and shit.  (Also, Bucheri wants to know how many forms Nate is really filling out these days.)  (Heidi)

– “Dick’s added; BJ’s removed from US 1”: That’s the title of this research report from Bank of America Merrill Lynch.  (Dad)

– Street view: Check out what Google Earth has done to NYC, rendering just about everything:  (Gizmodo)

– Fucking mullets: Patrick “I’ll kick your ass over $1.20” Kane has decided his attempt at a playoff beard last year was sub-par.  So this year?  Mullets! “But Blake,” you’ll say, “mullets basically started in hockey.”  Ah, yes, but were they playoff mullets?  (George)

– Mythbusters: From the 4/7 show, we learned you can dump oil or use a smoke screen to elude coppers in a car chase, but tacks don’t deflate the chaser’s tires fast enough.  We also learned that physics are true: if you are traveling forward (say on the back of a pickup truck) at 60 mph and kick a soccer ball backwards at 60 mph, the soccer ball will drop straight down.  On 4/14’s show we learned that the Irish and Swedish made retarded leather cannons that didn’t work, or if they did work they worked for like one shot (fuckin’ Irish).  If you are going to get hit by a glass bottle, it’s better for it to be empty (less brain and skull damage, but about equal damage on lacerations).  Lastly, Kari Byron, every nerds jerk-off fantasy, is back.  Kari just had a baby and her, um, jugs are showing it.  So you should really watch this show.  (My notes for 4/14 were: “leather cannon, bottle to dome piece, tits.”)

– South Park: The best show on television celebrated its 200th episode by hat tipping like crazy to the show’s history.  It was also the best “fuck you” to the whole “can’t show images of Muhammad” thing.  In 2001, South Park aired an episode that included the “Super Best Friends”, which were Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Muhammad, Krishna, Laozi, and Seaman.  Here they are in 2001.  And here, on Wednesday night, was Jesus telling Stan why they can’t show Muhammad, Buddha snorting blow, Stan saying “Jesus Fucking Christ!”, and Laozi being the most stereotypical China-man.  Here’s the full episode for your viewing pleasure.

– Treme: A must watch.  The music used is spectacular, and David Simon uses the same “ambient noise soundtrack” as The Wire.  What I mean is that any music heard during a scene is music being played by a character.  You’ll hear birds chirping, cars honking, music from cars passing, and anything else that may classify as the sound of Nawlins.  The Bunk (not our Bunk) looks like the best character, plus I’m pretty sure we’ll see Trombone Shorty at some point.  (They used the real brass band Rebirth and said, “I thought Shorty was going to be here?”  So I’m hoping.)  The opening title sequence is eerie since it uses the water/mold marks from Katrina but makes them look beautiful.  Weird.  HBO, Sunday 10pm.

– See the illusion? Looks like a bunch of floating red rings, right?  Wrong:  (unurth)

– What’s wrong with you people? With WordPress’ stats, I can see how most people come to this site (Facebook, email, Twitter, etc.).  I also get to see how people searched for the site.  Some typical ones are “Blake’s Update” or “Blake’s Takes”.  On April 13th, these were the three searches shown to get here:

• blind people suck
• 4/8/10 corp boxing at bb kings
• hot man suck breast

I know I never said “blind people suck” though I’m sure I’ve said “blind” and “people” and “suck” before.  But who the fuck searches for “hot man suck breast”?

– Respect where respect due: Shout out to Obama who’s NASA plan doesn’t suck and who gave more money than the average citizen last year, unlike his road dawg Biden who only gave 1.44% of his income ($4,820 of $333,000 in income).  The $1.4 million prize money from the Nobel Peace Prize went directly to charity, thereby making it not count towards the ‘Bamas $329,100 in donations.  Step your game up Biddy, as Sir Winston Churchill told us: “We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give.”  So now Biden has no brains AND no life.

– Did we pop out a black hole? New theory this week is that our universe may have come from another universe’s black hole.  Your mind blown yet?  Oh well, here’s a space pic anyway:  (Gizmodo)

– Gettin’ an iPad? I’ll just take Ryan Keely’s when she’s done shooting porn with it.  Um, I believe I’m supposed to warn you that this link is NSFW.  Not safe for women, but dudes will love it.  (Gizmodo)

– iPad banned in Israel: And no, not because they shot porn with it.  It’s because the EU and Israel’s WiFi broadcast at a lower power.  If you do bring your iPad to Israel, they’ll confiscate it and place it in a warehouse, then you can apply to the Israel government to ship it back to the US.  (Gearlog)

– Rolling Stone to archive online: It’ll cost you to check out digital copies of old issues, but the website will be “mostly free”.  (Wooten)

– Glass bottles turned into glasses: Guy takes beer bottles (or any bottle, really) and reblows it into a drinking glass.  Buy yours here:  (Boing Boing)

– Santonio Holmes broke? Instead of searching the internet himself, the Jets new acquisition used Twitter in order to get a new collar and jersey for his puppy Bella:  (Santonio’s Twitter)

“Need a lucky fan to send me a pink doggie jersey and a pink jets collar and I will def repay yo wit a autographed picture of me once I play my 1st game in a JETS jersey.”

How crack-fiendish does this sound?  “Give me a collar and jersey today, and I’ll gladly pay you back with an autographed picture of me… after I played a game with the Jets.  Yes, I know I’m suspended four games and won’t be playing til October, but I’m good for the picture.  I swear.”

The Marks’ Financial Update:

• MFL – Mark had a nice steady rise going from April 5th to April 12th, then he started to bounce around like Mystikal in “Bouncin’ Back“.  Entered this time period at $13.50, got as high as $13.79, then did his bouncin’ but sometimes you gotta get knocked down to GET UP!  Mark eases into the weekend at $13.66.
• MAB – Bunk was going fine until April 8th, which we know as the Corporate Challenge at BB King’s, so investors must have been pissed when they found out A: Bunk wasn’t fighting and B: Bunk is in Orlando and unable to join the other two Marks for Harter’s berfday (though Bunk has admittedly disclosed this fact numerous times).  On a longer scale, moving from $14.52 to $14.26 isn’t a big deal, especially since he closed at $14.45.  But Bunk’s our under-performer and needs to step his game up.
• MDH – Harter’s still making moves as he went from $2.50 to close at $3.20 on Friday.  Investors bought him up leading into his birthday, and then just kept going til he reached his high of $3.43 on April 14th.  He came down to head into this weekend, but the best performing Mark continues to outperform.

– What you missed: Full Metal Alchemist.  I typed and deleted this section over and over again, then finally said “fuck it.”  FMA is an anime from Japan (voted #1 most popular in two TV Asahi webpolls).  It’s the story of two brothers who attempted to bring their mother back from the dead only to face dire consequences.  One lost his body, the other lost a leg.  In order to bring back the younger brother (Alphonse) the elder Edward sacrificed his arm and affixed Al’s soul to a suit of armor.  I lose you yet?  Come on, dude’s arm got ripped off at the age of 10 and you don’t want to watch this?  Kid was a bloody mess begging for his brother back and ends up missing his right arm and left leg and laying in a pool of his own blood.  Anyway, they’re on a quest to get both of their bodies back and have to kill some gnarly people and monsters along the way, and I’ll tell you more but it’ll diminish the feeling you get when watching and finding out.  OK, I’ll tell you one – there is a way for the kids to get their bodies back, but they’d have to sacrifice a city of people to do it.  I’m just gonna go ahead and realize I should have just sent this part in an email to my brother.  Benjammin’, I can send you the links for uTorrent and the website that houses the episodes, or just go to YouTube to watch them there if you can wait.  Everyone else, go fuck yourselves.

– What I missed: Hyena females have big dicks.  Well not really dicks, more like “faux penis”.  But these fake schlongs are so long Aristotle thought that Hyenas were only male.  And Aristotle wasn’t an idiot.  (So I’m told.  Never met the guy.)  Females piss, mate, and give birth through these appendages, but the worst part is that they usually birth twins.  Why’s that the worst part?  Because the canal is so thin that the first one out is, more than half the time, dead.  Hyena females are also the dominant ones and get to eat first, but the matriarch is the one with the biggest dick.