- Boxing: I took the below picture (off my TV, no less) last summer. It’s Adrien Broner wearing a “Free Money May” t-shirt while Floyd Mayweather, Jr. was in jail. Broner is as close to Mayweather as one can get, except he’s more agressive and less defensive. He’s also brash and cocky and all that shit that old white men, and racists, hate about Mayweather. Watch him on February 16th against Gavin Rees, who is someone Broner will destroy.

- Watch out: It’s not just Wooten that walks into glass doors, so do old ladies at Apple stores. Except I gotta hand it to the Woobag, he didn’t try to sue the homeless shelter where he walked his face into a window.  (Apple Insider)

- Toy porn! Video summary says this happened spontaneously. I call bullshit, but enjoy:  (The Daily What)

- Stem cells: They never cease to amaze me. Reported last March, they helped monkeys with Parkinson’s stop shaking. The most important quote is here:

“Monkeys starting with tremors and rigidity [began] to move smoothly, and animals originally confined to sitting down were able to walk around,” says Takahashi.

Good to see Japanese scientists not trying to make a shitburger for once.  (New Scientist)

- And more stem cells: Monkeys who lost the ability to produce sperm due to (doo doo) chemotherapy have regained that ability because of stem cells in this motherfucker.  (New Scientist)

- They still probably faked it: Women can orgasm during workouts. Typically it’s during abdominal exercises. Also of note, for the ladies, is that the scientists behind the study suggest that if you have an orgasm during a specific workout, that workout “has the potential to enhance women’s sexual lives as well.”  (Gizmodo)

- Ah-hee-hee: I’m just going to leave this bird moonwalking right here:  (Geekologie)

- We’ve got an anti-robot apocalypse think tank? Yeah, that guy Steve’s on it: Stephen Hawking has joined the Cambridge Project for Existential Risk. The article’s headline about “anti-robot apocalypse” may be a little misleading, as the group will also think about artificial life and anthropogenic climate change.  (Fast Company)

- Stop development aid to Africa: So says Kenyan economics expert James Shikwati in an interview with Spiegel. To wit:

SPIEGEL: Mr. Shikwati, the G8 summit at Gleneagles is about to beef up the development aid for Africa…

Shikwati: … for God’s sake, please just stop.

SPIEGEL: Stop? The industrialized nations of the West want to eliminate hunger and poverty.

Shikwati: Such intentions have been damaging our continent for the past 40 years. If the industrial nations really want to help the Africans, they should finally terminate this awful aid. The countries that have collected the most development aid are also the ones that are in the worst shape. Despite the billions that have poured in to Africa, the continent remains poor.

Shikwati goes on to explain that the aid is going to financing huge bureaucracies and “corruption and complacency are promoted.” He also claims that the aid kills the “spirit of entrepreneurship” that Africa so needs.  (Spiegel)

- Welp, there go my weekends: DrinkSavvy is working on cups and straws that change color to warn you if your drink has been tampered with.  (Fast Company)

- Time-lapse is still awesome: Here’s “Island in the Sky”:  (Wired)

- Boing: Everything you ever wanted to know about morning wood (it happens during R.E.M. sleep and we typically wake up coming out of R.E.M. sleep):  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Fulgawhatnow? Fulgarite. That’s the name of this:

It happens when lightning hits sand. See another shot here at NatGeo.  (The Daily What)

- Bear down, Arizona: The University of Arizona has added women’s sand volleyball as a varsity sport, joining only 28 other schools. Basically, what I’m saying is, you chose poorly and I chose wisely.  (@AZATHLETICS)

- Amurca! American Football: Guns & Balls is a game available, for free, in Apple’s App Store (which I would link to, but apparently the App Store only exists as an app). The game is for your iPhone or iPad and its title screen looks like this:

And that picture is exactly how this game works. You wear a football uniform designed like the American flag, stand on a podium behind the uprights, and shoot at incoming field goal attempts. That’s when you’re on defense. On offense you just flick a ball at the uprights as many times as you can. It’s as terrible as you think it is, but it’s free and it’s America.  (Apple)

- Siri: Here’s how to make Siri say anything you want, if you have a Mac.  (Hongkiat)

- Guess it’s better than burning ‘em: Here are 40 “book sculptures” for you to peruse. Like so:  (Hongkiat)

- The Marks’ Financial Update, 2012 Year in Review:

• MFL (up 10.43%) - A good sign for the Marks if Mark Lee was the worst performer and was still up 10.43% ($14.58 to $16.10). Mark’s biggest movement (not in the bathroom) was a 3-day drop (again, not in the bathroom) in the middle of March. On the 13th, you could buy a share of Mark at $15.21, but by March 16th he was only worth $14.06. The rest of the year was ho-hum until December 6th, the day after the birth of his son, where he started a fall that didn’t bottom out until December 18th. He trended up to end the year, and to start 2013 he is up 2.19% to $16.78.
• MAB (up 10.49%) - Bunk just edged out Mark Lee for second place, gaining about a buck-fiddy from $14.39 to $15.90. Bunk’s year started out well, then flatlined around the time they find out Jaime was pregnant. That flatline ended in August, which I believe is when they started telling people, but that requires research. The high (so hiiiiiiigh) for Bunk was November 23rd, where he hit $17.99. Alas, he came down from that high in December to close out the year on a downer. Currently, Bunk is up 2.29% at $16.56, but analysts have not fully figured out the impact the birth of his daughter will have. Stay tuned.
• MDH (up 44.35%) - My man does not fuck around. Harter went from $2.30 to $3.32 last year, hitting his highest point on October 9th ($4.07) just days after his engagement to Molly. The market liked that match, apparently. Harter got most of his performance in the first half of the year, gaining almost $2 through to May 3rd. He hit a couple of troughs at the end of May and beginning of June, though he had a nice upswing from there. On November 8th, the wheels came off and he dropped from $3.86 to $3.12 on November 14th. With a further drop in December, I can’t say I wasn’t worried for the guy. Luckily he had a little jump to finish 2012. Congratulations – you may not have won the Moonti Cup this year, but at least you won something.

- She’s just as happy as you: And to keep her happy, I’ll try not to wait a year between posts:  (@iLikeGirlsDaily)

- “I’m here for the gangbang.”: Apparently the noise your girl makes when you please her in bed is really her calling out to, or inviting, other men (#3 in that link). So instead of her being all, “Oooo, Jon” she’s really all, “Oooo, Jon, while I’m giving you the first chance to impregnate me over the rest of the males, I still don’t trust your sperm enough to get the job done. So I figure I’m in the mood, might as well ensure we get a bun in the oven.” Bam. Orgy. Or at least that’s what some chimps and apes do. Toss in the scientists that see no evolutionary reason for the female orgasm, but do see humans as similar to chimps and apes, and you got the “bitches be whores, man” theory. (Cracked)

- Um, speaking of women: Bad transition? Well, women are more likely to delete friends on Facebook and less likely to notice their own weight gain.  (Discovery)

- Waterworld: It exists!  (PopSci)

- Lose weight like a fat, lazy shit: Eat dessert after breakfast and workout 20 minutes a day, three days a week.  (Gizmodo)

- “Boobieblog”: That’s a name of a real site (since 2005, no less). And here’s a link to it that features Playboy Bunnies showing their, yup, boobies. Just so:  (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

- Kidneys: What’s the argument against paying people to donate their kidneys? The available kidneys to kidney needer (so not the right word) ratio is fucking terrible. Who the hell wants to go get cut up and have an organ taken out and get nothing in return except a lollipop and some Vicodin? Anyway, it makes too much sense, to me, to get paid for a major operation where they take a part of you to give to someone else, so I figure I’m missing something. The only plausible response is you are worried about the morals? Of being paid to help people? No. People will abuse the system? By having both kidneys removed? Really? If you know the answer to this question, please add a comment below so I can ridicule it. Thanks!  (Carpe Diem)

- Bear Down: Or should I say, “bare” down. Ugh. Shitty jokes aside, here’s former Wildcat (FALSE: once a Wildcat, always a Wildcat) Natalie Gulbis getting naked (look closely):  (Voorhees)

- How the zebra got its stripes: According to a new theory, zebras’ stripes evolved because flies are less likely to bite striped animals than solid color animals. I never knew flies were racists.  (New Scientist)

- Stars: I was cleaning out links I had kept, but never used, for the site and came across the below shot. Not sure which friend had shared it on Google Reader (it was from the before time, when Reader didn’t suck donkey balls), so if they remember they can leave a comment below (which I won’t ridicule).  (Wooten? Broz? Alan?)

- Fartinnügen: I’ve said it so many times now, but the Japanese are weird and have been historically. Here is a “fart scroll“:  (The Daily What)

- NY Times: OK, what the fuck is up with this paper? $5 for a Sunday edition? No wonder newspaper companies have shitty revenues these days (adjusted for inflation, they are back to 1951 revenues). Also, in 1987 the NY Times wrote an editorial suggesting a minimum wage of $0, then this year the Times pleads for New York to raise its minimum wage. On the plus side, it makes for good kindling.  (Carpe Diem)

 - Dogs: Underwater:  (Wooten)

- Dogs: On the football field. In theory. Basically they breakdown the best breed for each position, as inspired by Best In Show:  (@mattufford)

- This actually happens: Tazer Ball. It’s like team handball with a beach ball and tazers:  (io9)

- Bug life: If you’re really worried about climate change and world hunger, then you should support the movement to eat more insects. Some design people tackle the “that looks like disgusting shit, fuck off,” problem people have with insects on their plate. They also explain how much better it would be for the planet if eating insects was acceptable, which basically boils down to less costs, less feed (a lot of our food feeds our … food), and less greenhouse gasses. (I wrote about eating insects last year.)  (Core77)

- Old shit, old shit, CHINA: Excuse the weak DJ Clue bit, but scientists found a forest that has been buried in volcanic ash for 298 million years. This Pompeii-like forest was found underneath a mine in China with trees intact, similar to when scientists found humans intact when they discovered Pompeii, except not as horrific to think about.  (Gizmodo)

- Mini horses: Since we love miniature horses here, why not show an Onion video featuring the lovely animal:  (The World’s Best Ever)

- The Marks’ Financial Update:

• MAB - Last time we checked in, Bunk was leading the Marks for the year. Since that time, he fell 3% to $15.86 (from February 7th’s $16.35) and is now in second for the year, up 10.5%. I think it was investors blaming Bunk for Costa Rica falling through, we’ll see how he redeems himself this year.
• MFL - Mr. Lee, now 30, was up a whopping 0.09% since February 7th. That puts him at $15.28 and up 4.6% year-to-date. From February 10th to the 16th he fell to $14.83, close to his 2011 finish of $14.61, but was able to regain some composure. He has plenty of time to retain his crown from last year.
• MDH - The other Marks had a shitty time compared to Harter, whose 11.2% rise from February 7th has put him in the lead for the year. Harter has gona from $2.38 to end 2011 to his current $2.68. That’s 12.6% by my laptop’s calculator’s calculation. I’m sure you all remember clearly, but was at $2.41 in the last update.

- Boxing: Last update I started off with the statement: “We’re getting closer, I think, to a Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, but Bob Arum is still a dick.” Showing how little I fucking know about what I’m supposed to really know, Mayweather has announced that he’ll be fighting Miguel Cotto on May 5th. Then on Monday it was announced that Manny Pacquiao will fight Timothy Bradley on June 9th (as of this writing, Bradley has not officially signed). So we are now back to a zero chance of Pacquiao fighting Mayweather.

- Hulu Plus: I started using Hulu Plus recently, mainly because I wanted to catch up on Community and didn’t feel like paying $50 for one season on DVD. The biggest sell for me was that I can watch Hulu Plus through my Xbox, and not have to watch on my computer. It’s $7.99 a month for a whole shit load of content from NBC, Fox, and others. The downside is that there are commercials (just shorter breaks) and even worse, it’s only like four or five different commercials. If you end up watching a few episodes in a row, you will get extremely annoyed at the repetitive ads. Oh, and yes, Community is hilarious. I have no problem sticking it up there with Arrested Development.

- Downton Abbey: What the fuck is this show? I refuse to look into it, so any comments are welcome. I only ask because Amy Nuttall (I hope that’s pronounced “nut all”) is in it:  (The Daily What)

- And I say: A George Harrison guitar solo was stripped out of The Beatles’ “Here Comes The Sun,” which is pretty crazy that this just came out considering no one’s ever heard of The Beatles:  (Boing Boing)

- Wait, how long? Wanna watch Adriana Lima wave a flag for five hours? Here you go:  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Face/Off: The U.S. military wants to use masks to help burn victims regrow their faces. Using a mask “layered with sensors, actuators and a regenerative elixir — including stem cells — to regrow missing facial tissue.”  (Wired)

- “Moss froze the planet”: Motherfucking moss bringing about the ice age and shit. Technically the first land plants sucked carbon dioxide right out the Earth’s atmosphere, possibly dropping temperatures by 9 degrees. So kick a plant next time you see one.  (Discovery)

- Suck at golf? Buy this weed-whacking driver for when you end up in rough. Or out of bounds, or wherever anyone would let you cut the grass for them.  (Carpe Diem)

- Shadow art: The art on the wall is created by light shining on the art hanging from the ceiling:  (Core77)

- Nanos: One group of scientists are creating nanoparticles that seek out MRSA and selectively kill that harmful shit while leaving your shit alone. And then Dr. Sherif El-Safty created a “nanomaterial which enables simple detection and removal of arsenic from drinking water.”  (Institute of Nanotechnology)

- Even “nanopaint”: Maybe they are overusing “nano” everywhere, but whatever, the tech is dope. This guy created paint that can tell you of structural damage. Not like Siri tell you, more like “hey, what’s that blinking on your computer monitor?” “Shit! We gotta get the fuck outta here,” tell you.  (Engadget)

- Global economics: This paragraph is crazy:

An international team worked together to create the new material. First, transgenic goats and silkworms equipped to produce spider-silk proteins spun out the raw material in the synthetic biology lab at Utah State University. The cocoons were then shipped to South Korea, where they were reeled into thread, before being woven into fabric in Germany. The modified silk was then wedged between bioengineered skin cells developed by biochemist Abdoelwaheb El Ghalbzouri at the Leiden University Medical Center in the Netherlands. After five weeks of incubation, the hybrid skin was ready for target practice.

Then they took a fucking gun and shot that skin. And the skin stopped the bullet at slower speeds, something normal skin can’t do. Spider-silk skin, coming to a baby near you!  (New Scientist)

- Most disappointing article: “Look ma, no wings: Secret of great tit flight revealed.” Oh. Birds.  (New Scientist) (It’s actually a cool video, just no breasts.)

- The Marks Financial Update:

• MFL – Mark Lee is our worse performing Mark this year-to-date, however he is till up 3.77% and will forever hold the 2011 crown, so let the haters hate. My man’s turning 30, which means we get to find out if he’s like a running back. Investors will be watching. Mark Lee chugged along from $14.58 to $15.13 on February 7th.
• MDH – Harter just loves sitting in the middle of these two, up 4.78% for the start of the year. Not bad, but you know he should be getting a boost for hosting yet another victorious Super Bowl party. Harter stands at $2.41, up from $2.30.
• MAB – Bunk’s really pissed about his last place finish the prior year so he came out sprinting, jumping from $14.39 to $16.35 as of February 7th. We’ll keep watching you though, just ’cause your a shady shit.

- GMen: On Monday at work I was asked, “when did you get nervous?” My original reply was, “two weeks ago.” The real question is, “when were you most nervous?” It had to be with 5 minutes left after the Patriots had just converted a third down at the Giants’ 47. Another first down and there’s at least a field goal. Fortunately, three great plays happened. On 1st, Chris Canty plants The Law Firm one yard deep, and quickly. Next is the Welker drop (totally not covered on the Internet). On third down, Corey Fucking Webster crushes Branch to break up the pass. All that was left was Eli Time. And now there’s this:  (@Giants)

- Just relax: Felt like there was too much writing in this update. So here’s Camille Rowe:  (Terry Richardson)

- Boxing: We’re getting closer, I think, to a Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, but Bob Arum is still a dick.

- Chrome: I started using Google Chrome at work because one of the websites we need to access was created by a shitty company and the only way for that site to work at a normal speed is for us to use the fastest web browser available. (That site pisses me off so much, I write run-on sentences.) Then I tried using Chrome on yet another site for work, this one made by a not-so-shitty company, and was convinced. Chrome is fast as shit. The screen looks cleaner. Your homepage will have pictures of the sites you visit most. Click on them and you’re there. You can search directly in the addressbar (I originally wrote “toolbar”, but assholes would say, “hey, dick, it’s called the searchbox, any browser can do that” <– say that all douchey-like, with a slight whine at the end). And importing information (bookmarks/passwords) from your other, shittier browser is easy. (Hey, Mark Lee: remember when the whole site was supposed to be just like this fucking paragraph? So there you go.)

- Stuck? Lifehacker has “Top 10 Ways to Break Into and Out of Almost Anything“.  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Bear down: Below is a picture of a mirror getting made in Tucson, Arizona. Specifically, underneath Arizona Stadium. It will go inside the world’s largest telescope because that’s how we roll in the desert:  (New Scientist)

- Slow motion for me: Birds! From BBC’s “Earthflight”:  (Gizmodo)

- Slow motion for me: Bees! (Gobs not on board):  (Carpe Diem)

- Move in slow motion for me: If Bunk doesn’t stand up and slow roll while reading this, I failed:

- No shit: “Condoms are slowing HIV spread in South Africa.”  (New Scientist)

- If you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone… because you don’t have an iPhone: Steve Wosniak thinks Androids have better voice recognition, GPS, and turn-by-turn navigation. And this dude co-founded Apple, so yeah.  (Discovery)

- Walk like a man: If I couldn’t walk, I’d be ecstatic right about now. This “Exoskeleton” will ship later this year:  (Core77)

- They call him Bard-on, he’s the youngest buck at Bunkers: Andy made (helped make?) this well done video about Moment Skis. Side scrollin’ like a muthafacka in this bitch:  (Andy Bardon)

- Got to admit it’s getting better: The Beatles weren’t fucking lying, shit is getting better all the time. Life expectancy in the US just went up to 78.7 after 2010, a new high. I’m amazed that it only took 80 years to go from 56 to 78.7. The article linked also shows how life expectancy has coincided with real GDP per capita here in the States. I see no reason this shouldn’t keep increasing until we’ve reached whatever point it is that the human body can no longer stay alive. Dust to dust and all.  (Carpe Diem)

- For soldiers, too: Researchers at MIT have “developed a nanoscale biological coating that can halt bleeding nearly instantaneously.” Main goal is for this to go out onto the battlefield.  (Institute of Nanotechnology)

 - Eiburamu: My buddy Abram, who has lived in Japan for the past 8 years now, has been featured on Japanese television. Dude loves his ramen, Japanese love their ramen, so why not:  (Abram)

(To see more pics of ramen, head over to Yo! Japan or his tumblr or just go buy some kicks from him)

- The alcohol antidote: Chinese scientists think they have found a pill that could cure your drunkenness. Worth reading about here. I was going to quote the part about what it actually does, but I love their test too much:  (Kornfeld)

Liang first tested how well DHM alleviated drunken rats’ clumsiness and loss of coordination by measuring how long it took them to right themselves after being laid on their backs. Rats were injected with an alcohol equivalent of a human drinking 15 to 20 beers in two hours to ensure that they were sufficiently wasted. As one would expect, it took the rats about 70 minutes just to get back up on their feet. After a milligram of DHM (per kilogram of rat body weight) was added to the mixture, however, the rats were able to right themselves in just five minutes.

- The workout antidote: How about a pill that tricks your body into believing you are working out? It will trigger a hormone that “promotes the development of a type of energy-burning fat”. Don’t be scurred about the “fat” comment, the hope is that this will cut down on obesity and help those with diabetes. To wit:  (New Scientist)

Mice eating a high-fat diet that were given the gene for irisin burned more energy and had lower body weight than mice receiving a placebo

- Space, the final update: Here’s how stormy Africa looks from space:  (Geekologie)

- Ladies: Apparently you don’t like it when I open with titties. Here’s a puppy:  (The Daily What)

- Magnetic Levitation: This shit is ridiculous. I remember being pumped as all hell as a kid when toy race-car tracks began letting you switch lanes (note: don’t try switching lanes at full speed, the cars just fling off the track), but these fuckers in Japan made the sickest track of all:  (Core77)

- Texting while pissing is OK: Last update I posted a video about shit that made your clothes stain free. Now here’s something you put on your electronics to make them waterproof:  (PopSci)

- Chill out: This device from LG will cool your canned beverage in under 5 minutes. 8 minutes for a bottle of wine or two cans. ‘Cause you can can can. ‘Cause you can can can can can can can.  (Gizmodo)

- Mark it: LifeHacker presents the 2012 buying calendar, so you now know that you should buy Broadway tickets in February.  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Roll out: In December, during a high school football game at Cowboys Stadium (I feel like there should be an apostrophe after Cowboys, since it is their stadium, but I guess it’d be Blake Stadium and not Blake’s Stadium), a golf cart went buck-wa-wa-wild (I’m about to blow, light me up!) and done fucked some people up. Here’s the remixed version:  (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

- Jigga Man: If you were a rapper who just became a dad, you’d release a song with your newborn baby on it, right? Like right away? Because Jay-Z did.  (The Daily What)

- Sploosh: This is a cool shot. More here.  (Gizmodo)

- Low-gluten beer: Just as much gluten as regular beer. (Though gluten free is gluten free and tastes like shit.)  (Discovery)

- Merry New Year: Sorry I didn’t wish you a happy new year, but here are some good photos of celebratory fireworks from around the world. Here’s a sample from London:  (HongKiat)

- The good life: Back in 1966, you could have bought a 30-inch Kenmore oven for $330. Sounds cheap right? Well, you would have had to have worked, on average, 121.3 hours (not including taxes). For 121.3 hours of work today, on average, you can buy all of the below:  (Carpe Diem)

- For Muralo: Scientists at Notre Dame have figured out how to put solar cells into paint. It’s extremely inefficient, but it can be made cheaply.  (Engadget)

- Midnight Sun: Add Iceland to “places I should probably go to at some point”:  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Cold turkey: So according to some snobby fuckers at Harvard, “Nicotine therapy doesn’t help people quit smoking.” People on patches/gum were as likely to relapse as those who just stopped smoking.  (The Telegraph)

- The Marks’ Financial Update, 2011 Year in Review:

• MAB (up 11.23%) – Bunk was our worst performing Mark for the year 2011 yet he was still up 11.23% so Harter and Mark Lee can rest easy. Bunk’s year did not start off well as he was down 40 cents in one week of trading (from $12.91 to $12.50), but ended up composing himself and not looking back. Two life events really were the spark Bunk needed. First it was the long-term contract he entered into in May that took him from $12.62 to $13.49 (that’s almost 7%). Then it was the winning in fake football that took him from $13.57 (after his last lost of the season) to his 2011 close of $14.36 (about 6%). Bunk has carried over that winning attitude into 2012, as he is up over the first week of trading.
• MDH (up 12.80%) – Harter, our non-married Mark (I was gonna call him a restricted free agent), finished 2nd in performance. While 12.8% seems inline with the others, Harter had the biggest swings (at Big Swing!) along the way. Most notable was his 99-cent rise to start the year (that’d be a 47% increase), then his horrendous August when he was down 27%, but he closed the year out on a 22% increase from that low point. Anyway, Harter continues to be the cheapest (2011 close of $2.38), though you better be able to stomach the roller coaster.
• MFL (up 14.32%) – Mark had a rough start to 2011, but only because he had a rough ending to 2010. From November 29th, 2010 to January 14th, 2011, Mark went from $13.61 to $11.83 (that’s down 13%). After that, Mark would look at you like that shit gravy, with a smooth rise for the rest of the year with one little bump in August. He, too, entered into a long-term contract a little after Bunk, but did not see the same type of spike that Bunk had, just a continuation of steadiness. You’d think someone missing the Moonti playoffs for his first time would have had a drop-off at the end of the year, but investors showed faith and made him our most profitable Mark in 2011.

- Gents: But them chicks never said shit about closing with some titties (true vets should have known this was coming since there was no warning at the top):  (Working Stiff 925)

On the left is a pornstar named April, who is on Twitter and loves showing her tits. Worth mentioning. This is her Tumblr (where above pic is from), which features titties, Daleks, and seemingly good times. The other girl is named Samantha Saint and is also in porn and on Twitter, but doesn’t tweet pics like April.

- Boxing: A whole bunch of shit went down, but basically we learned that Manny Pacquiao would not stand a chance against Floyd Mayweather, Jr.; that Oscar De La Hoya loves blow and wearing women’s lingerie; that Andre Ward is the best super middleweight and fighter of 2011; that Mayweather might spend 90 days in jail; and that it’s not only corrupt politicians in D.C., it’s also the boxing referees.  (ESPN)

- Achilles: According to a study, there have been “two to five times” more Achilles ruptures in the NFL this season. The average is between four and ten ruptures in a season and, with three games left, there have already been 20 ruptures this year. Scientists blame the lockout and worry for NBA players. (Did you know that “Achilles tendon ruptures normally strike veteran players who have been playing in the NFL for an average of six years”? Now you do.)  (Discovery)

- Rebellion: How it works:  (Dilbert)

- Always Sunny: Remember the episode when the gang drank wine out of a can? Now you can, too:  (Carpe Diem)

- I know Kung Fu: Researchers at Boston University and ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories in Kyoto, Japan, have found a way to manipulate your brainwaves so you learn faster and retain that knowledge better. Mind control? Perhaps:  (Discovery)

“We found that subjects were not aware of what was to be learned while behavioral data obtained before and after the neurofeedback training showed that subjects’ visual performance improved specifically for the target orientation,” Watanabe said.

- NBA Uniforms: Get the rundown of all the changes at Paul Lukas’ (of Uni Watch) ESPN article. But there are several things to point out. First, the Heat will wear black on black (on black) for “important” home games this year (they’re shiny again):

The Knicks did the opposite and got rid of the black in their logo, while the Kings will showcase a new black alternate. Oh, and please vote for “B. Franklin Dogg” to be the new Sixers mascot, which is a terrible idea. The Blazers will rep “Rip City” on March 18th, which is a great idea. And finally, the Raptors have psuedo-3D logos underneath the baskets on their court. Pretty cool, yet weird.  (ESPN)

- The Roots: The new album, undun, is not terrible. Fourteen tracks, but really only 9 songs (unless you like orchestra shit with your rap). Billed as a concept album, the album focuses on street life and how shitty it is for young black males, specifically for one black male, because no rap song has ever touched on that subject. Tracks two through seven are all good, then a shitty chorus kills track 8 (“Lighthouse”) for me. Hey, if you can’t swizzim then you’re gonna drizzown.

- I just like this headline: “Artificial Intestines Near Reality“.  (Discovery)

- NeverWet: This spray-on substance means your shit stays dry and stain free. Unbelievably stain free:  (Carpe Diem)

- Krista Ayne: Over Monday, December 19th, and Tuesday, the 20th, 252 people found this site by searching for “krista ayne” on the internet. Most wound up on this update, which features Krista prominently and I highly recommend you check her out. Here’s a pic from her Twitter page:

Also worth noting that during the same time-frame, two people found this site by searching for “asshole,” and one found this site by searching for “taint sex.” Ah, you don’t care, so go look at this ass shot of hers (great ass, terrible photo, otherwise I’d post it).

- Blackboards in Porn: Here’s a site that critiques blackboards that are showcased in pornos. Really wish it was more not safe for work, but dude must have found the only PG pics from the pornos.  (Wired)

- “A kill switch for viruses”: A man with PhDs in electrical engineering and computer science has developed a drug that seeks out bad cells and forces them to commit suicide. He has had the drug work in the lab on “dengue fever, a stomach virus, and a polio virus,” among others. To wit’ing like a motherfucker:

To create [the drug], Rider combined two proteins commonly found in the human body. One binds to viral double-stranded ribonucleic acid, a type of molecule found in all viruses. The other induces apoptosis, which is essentially programmed cell suicide. The drug acts like a homing missile that seeks out and kills cells infected by a virus. It appears to have few negative consequences and works against all diseases, even as they mutate.

Pretty impressive shit, if I do say so myself.  (Dad)

- A vaccine for prostate cancer: In what is described as “preliminary but promising,” Mayo Clinic “researchers and collaborators from the UK have apparently cured mice with well-established prostate tumors with no visible side effects via a new kind of tumor vaccine.” They expect the vaccine to work for other cancers as well. So who wants to argue that life expectancy will decrease in the coming years?  (PopSci)

- Nose candy: Want to get high through your nose? May be coming to a drugstore near you, if you live in Germany.  (Wooten)

- Ah, Twitter: Alexis Ford, pornstar, recently received new breasts and she’s rather proud. She shows them here:

She captioned that one “drunk horney (sic) all of the above”

She also asks you to “motor boat these tits”:

But while her tit pics are also welcomed, it is this tweet that sums her up nicely:

If I had a dick I would pull it out and piss on sum bitches

- That’s it? Yup. Unless you want to read an Op-Ed from an owner of a construction company bitch about people on unemployment (Carpe Diem), or see what light looks at a trillion frames per second (PopSci), or hear Shit Black Girls Say (The Daily What), or read how strawberries protect your stomach when drinking (Gizmodo), then I guess it isn’t.

- Stitches suck: Especially on your blood vessels, which is what doctors do during heart surgeries. Now that could be a thing of the past thanks to this “phase-changing gel“. They’ll use the gel to glue your vessels together. And that’s better than poking the shit out of them with needles and rope.  (PopSci)

- Looks messy: It looks baller, but feel like water would just spill out the sides all day long:  (Core77)

- Pornchestra: Go here to watch Bach’s Badinerie from Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B minor as sung by clips of pornstars getting plowed. And if you think that’s safe for work, then please hire me.  (The World’s Best Ever)

- A true hippie funeral: If you want to have the least environmental impact, then you should have your body liquefied (I was going to write “after you die”, but supposedly we just shit on the environment no matter what we do, so save the planet and liquefy yourself today!).  (New Scientist)

- Get whisked away: Can’t shove your whisk into a drawer? Then buy this one:  (Gizmodo)

- Ahem: Apparently Half Baked is a fucking liar. To wit in this mothafucka:  (Wooten)

Heavy marijuana use doesn’t seem to cause any sort of lasting brain damage. All the negative side-effects are relatively temporary. (But those side-effects are real.) Furthermore, the sort of anxiolytic giddiness triggered by THC comes with its own unexpected benefits, which is probably why humans have been self-medicating with cannabis for thousands of years.

- Unrelated: Porsche designed this:  (The World’s Best Ever)

- How ya gonna do it? Stanley Chow has this Biggie poster for sale on his site:  (Stanley Chow Illustrations)

- Vessel repossession: Don’t you hate it when your cargo ship gets held up in some douche’s port? Some federale saying your papers aren’t right? Well, call in this guy and he’ll steal back your fucking ship.  (Carpe Diem)

- No more Mos Def: The rapper is changing his name to Yasiin after 2011. Whatever.  (KSK)

- I am the Eggman: In The Beatles song “I Am The Walrus”, Lennon claims to be the “Eggman”. This is false. The Eggman is Eric Burdon, lead singer of The Animals. Eric got this nickname because he loved to break eggs on naked women. Burdon’s friends called him “Eggs” because of his infatuation, but when Lennon was present for an display of this, Lennon yelled out “go on, get it Eggman!“  (Dad)

- Semen perfume: It’s called “Sécrétions Magnifiques” and is described thusly:

like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Sécrétions Magnifiques is as real as an olfactory coitus that sends one into raptures… the slightly salty marine effect stirs, arouses and sets your mouth watering.

Ugh. (The Best of the Web Today)

- Unis: There’s a lot of new or special college football uniforms for this season, which you can read here (figured by now everyone had seen how shitty Maryland’s new unis are). In the NFL, only the Bills have new uniforms and I fucking love them, except that the stripe widens in the back of the helmet. That’s just stupid. Here are the Bills new unis, via:

- Ahem: Yeah, you need titties. And titties I got. I got sent these from ‘Bram who knows the guy that took them. And they are lovely:

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t see no titties in hurr.” Patience:

And finally:

- The Marks’ Financial Update: It’s been a month since we last checked in the Marks and how they were doing. It’s also been a hectic stock market during that time period. So how did they fare?

• MAB – Bunk has a had a solid lead up to his chirtieth birfday, rising from $13.40 and closing on September 16th at $13.80. Not sure what investors are seeing as all of his vacation days are spent with three months to go in the year, due to the fact that he has asshole friends that throw parties for themselves.
• MFL – When we last left Mark, he was sitting comfortably at $13.03. And then the next day he jumped off a cliff (not literally, dude is very much alive) and fell down to $12.39 in one day. Ouch. But like Beyonce, Mark is a survivor (but not pregnant) and came right back up in two days to $13.19 and then rose to $13.73 to be right at Bunk’s heels.
• MDH – Harter drew a straight line down to $2.01 from $2.60 over a two-day span, but like Mark Lee above, he did not quit and kept on keepin’ on. He closed on $2.36 on September 16th, saving himself some embarrassment from his earlier drop. After being up as much as 40% this year, Harter is now only up around 12%. Tread lightly, Harter.

- Shooting memories, not bullets: I was in Carbondale, Colorado for Heidi and Mike’s wedding over Labor Day Weekend and both the state, at least the parts I saw, and the wedding were beautiful. The ceremony was outside on a pasture underneath a clear blue sky with other cliched adjectives and nouns people would use to describe a fucking gorgeous wedding. Everyone was taking pictures, including myself. Correction: I took one picture. As Heidi and Mike were exchanging vows (honestly though, “vow” is a better term… /ducks the chair Heidi just threw) I decided it was the perfect opportunity to take this:

That is a cricket (grasshopper?) that stayed on the chair in front of me throughout the entire wedding ceremony. It even looked like he or she was paying attention to the moment. Over an amazing Labor Day weekend in which I drove through a canyon, saw every star imaginable, witnessed two good friends seal the deal, and get “bro”d by Mrs. Landis, that shitty grasshopper (I checked) is the only picture I took. And it isn’t even that good of a picture.

- Boxing: 24/7 for Mayweather vs. Ortiz starts next Saturday, August 27th, on HBO. They’ll also be shown on CNN if you don’t get HBO.

- Melodica: We saw one of these on a rooftop Saturday:

It’s called a melodica and you can buy one here if you are so inclined. The Wikipedia page for melodicas has a lot of “citation needed”s, so not sure how much we can trust it. But basically, these things were seen in the 19th century, but not really used until the 1950s and 1960s. If you still want to buy one, please note that the “melodica is the perfect instrument for busking.” Then again, you may end up looking like this guy:

- RZA traintable, jump the turnstyle: Since the fine for jumping the turnstyle in the New York subway system is $100, and NYPD only catches around 0.6% of jumpers (1 out 154), you might as well jump. Go ahead and jump.  (Wooten)

- Kick Cancer in the Balls: That’s the team name Joe Capizzi is using for the Livestrong (sorry, LIVESTRONG) bike event in Phlly on August 20th. Help Capiz reach his goal here. And for those wondering why he uses that name… think about it… yup, cancer of the balls. And he kicked that shit.  (Capizzi)

- A sphincter says what? Scientists are implanting artificial sphincters in mice so they don’t shit themselves (the mice, that is). The scientists hope to one day implant fake asshole in old people so they don’t shit themselves either.  (Geekologie)

- Like an escort? “Rent Marcus in New Orleans for $15 an hour to experience the nightlife on Bourbon Street.” “Rent Maria in Miami for $30 an hour to learn Spanish.” The site isn’t live yet, but Pal Locale will let you rent people for totally non-sexual things.  (Carpe Diem)

- Bud: Budweiser will be using new cans, not sure when though so keep an eye out for these:  (Wooten)

- It’s OK to take pictures of their asses: Two female volleyball players in England are wearing advertisements on their ass cheeks. Like so:

That thing on her butt is called a QR code. If you take a picture of it with a smartphone, you’ll be directed to Betfair’s website.  (Carpe Diem)

- Plywood pixels: So this:

Is made like this:  (Core77)

- Get HD without cable/satellite: For $44 you can buy an antennae called the Mohu Leaf, which looks like a mousepad. Hide it behind a picture, or bookcase (not sure why you don’t hide it behind the TV), and you get over-the-air free HD. I don’t think that includes ESPN, though.  (Discovery)

- Work out at work: This just looks terrible:  (The World’s Best Ever)

- OBNC: I hate those bumper stickers, but I do love this time-lapse of the Outer Banks:  (Gizmodo)

- Watch The Throne: First off, you should really watch Game of Thrones, available on demand on HBO. Second, you should probably listen to Watch The Throne, Jay-Z and Kanye’s joint album. It’s decent, but I’m not so good at reviewing things. You know who is? The fake Ghostface Killah. Here’s his take on one of the shittiest songs I’ve ever heard:

11. Made In America (ft. Frank Ocean) – First of all son….Lionel Richie called from 1986 n said he wants his song back yo. Word. Sade jus holla’d on twitter to say this shit is soft as fuck namsayin. I think Elton John wants to conceive babies to this joint b. Drake said he gon soak in his lotion pool to this shit rite here for like a week son. I think Wiz Khagina is scissorin wit Amber Rose to this shit rite now as we speak yo. I heard this shit gon be used for the next Gwyneth Paltrow movie too. I dont kno how the same nigga that did Who Gon Stop Me had anything to do wit this shit but apparently he did nahmean. This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son. I think this is bout to be on Yung Berg’s yoga playlist. I cant fuck wit this shit at all b. This shit is like audio lesbian comin out my speakers son.

“This shit sounds like two niggas hang glidin over the ocean together at sunset holdin hands son.” Whatever that means, he’s right.  (The World’s Best Ever)

- Boxing: Amir Khan stopped Zab Judah in the fifth round on July 23rd. Zab thought it was a blatant low-blow that sent him to the canvas, but Zab is an idiot to think that. The punch landed right on Zab’s belt, which was high on his waist. Either way, Zab stayed on the ground because he thought he was getting a “standing eight count”. Pretty sure you’d be standing if the ref was giving you a standing eight count.

- Heeeeeey: If your phone is smart, you’d download the “Hey Tell” application. It’s a free voice messaging ap (app? Apple says app) that works like a walkie-talkie. Maybe not the best explanation, but give it a try. It’s free. Also, if you know Harter, then he’s about to give you a two week warning for when he stops texting. Hit him on the hip or fuck off. That’s his attitude.  (Mark Lee via Craig Smith)

- JV Football: In order to join the Mountain West Conference, Boise State had to agree to not wear all blue uniforms at home during conference games. I’d consider that bush league.  (Uni Watch)

- Whittlin’ like a motherfucker: Maskull Lasserre’s whittling work was being shown up in Montreal, if you wanted to see some freaky shit like this:  (Gizmodo)

- Thirsty? Then travel 12 billion light years and find this largest body of water:

That’s water straight chillin’ in space. Scientists say that there is enough water there for every person on Earth to have their own planet’s worth of water 20,000 times over. That’s, um, a lot.  (Fast Company)

- Putin: The contest might be over, but if we have any Russian readers (nyet? Though Google translator says “het”), then you might want to submit your strip tease for a free iPad 2. Just be sure to support Putin’s bid for president:  (Ben)

- Minimum wage: Keeping minorities and teenagers out of work since 1938. New research by two economists shows what minimum wage increases do to employment:

Each 10% increase in the minimum wage [since 2007] was accompanied by a decrease in employment of 1.2% for Hispanic males, 2.5% for white males and 6.5% for black males. When looking at hours worked, we saw a similar effect: Each 10% increase in the minimum wage reduced hours worked by 1.7% for Hispanic males, 3% for white males and 6.6% for black males.

The article also notes that some 26,400 16- to 24-year-old black males lost their jobs from 2007 to 2010 thanks to forced wage increases. But no, go ahead and ignore a simple demand curve.  (Carpe Diem)

- “Gulf Coast Oilbirds”: That’s a suggested fantasy football team name from the folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber. Check out the rest of the list here. Either way, football is back.  (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

- Stencils: Hard for me to believe that this picture:

Was created with stencils and spray paint. Then I saw this video:

And now I believe. More pictures here.  (Core77)

- Liquid face: Scientists are testing out a new “liquid biomaterial” that you inject under the skin, mold, and then shine some LEDs on it to set. A pain-free way to get your face rearranged.  (Gizmodo)

- Cheap lightbulbs: Just take an empty soda bottle, fill with water and some bleach, drill a hole in your roof, and bam! Let there be light:  (Fast Company)

- Ah, boobs: And why not?  (Working Stiff 925)

- The Marks’ Financial Update:

• MDH – Harter had a fun ride, spiking at $2.94 on July 21st, but like the rest of the world he came crashing down. He closed August 5th at $2.60, a twenty-seven cent drop from his previous $2.87 close on July 7th. On the plus side, Harter is still on the plus side for the year after opening at $2.16 on January 3rd.
• MAB – Bunk dropped twenty-nine cents since his July 7th close of $13.69, leaving him at $13.40 for you math-hating assholes. I would say this is because he still calls his wife his girlfriend, but then the world got itself into the shitter, so we’ll go with “market movement”. Bunk is also still positive for the year, when he opened at $13.03.
• MFL – Could introducing Blake to Hey Tell have a positive effect on his stock? No. He went from $13.58 down to $13.03, the biggest drop of all the Marks. I’m not saying the move to Chatham has anything to do with it. OK, I said it, so what? Mark is also up for the year, he opened at $12.75, proving once again it never hurts to put your money with the Marks.

- Notes on the site: I know, I can’t really be calling these “weekly” updates anymore if I’m not going to be posting weekly. I do try, though, but work is busy so there’s less time to read up on shit. Wednesday happy hours aren’t helping either. Neither do Tuesday dinners and thirsty Thursdays and pool beer pong. Such is life. You can help, if you’d like, by sending me any dumb shit you think should be put on here. Just email it to me at blakesupdate@gmail.com. Simple. You can also use Facebook or Twitter, if you’re a thirteen-year-old girl. On the other hand, this has been a good run of titties being shown in each update. Just saying.

- iHit: That’s just an iPhone case, man. No, man, you can like, smoke it. Man.:  (Ces)

- Carry a big fork: And eat lightly. In one study, patrons ate less when eating with a big fork than with a small one. (The Daily What)

- Space, the final frontier: Literally. Because going to Mars could kill you, thanks to “[s]pace radiation, microgravity and psychological implications”.  (Discovery)

- A urinal for chicks: It’s only a concept. A creepy concept:  (Gizmodo)

- Urineade: Nothing like a urinal to lead into a new drink. In fact, this piece ties up the previous two, since NASA is working on a sports drink made from urine. (And that’s how you let the post build, beeeeaatch!)  (Wired)

- Make money smoking cigarettes: Some dude will buy one pound of cigarette butts for $3. If you’re wondering, about 1,500 cancer sticks make one pound. Hey, I didn’t say make a profit smoking cigarettes. (Carpe Diem)

- Smart chimps: If you’ve been falling for some of the viral marketing for Rise of the Planet of the Apes like an asshole (Ces), then I’m sorry for you. But real primates are still smart, whether it’s a chimpanzee that was “hoarding stones and making discs from concrete so he could hurl them at visitors” or another disarming snare traps. Read about the real ones here, then watch the fake ones here.  (New Scientist)

- Kung Fu Volleyball: What else would you call it:  (Wooten)

- Obligatory space pic: Of an aurora:  (Wired)

- Bill Gates: This is a great interview with Bill Gates, a smart man. Also a rich man and a man who really cares where this planet and its people are going. He doesn’t care much for solar panels (he blames the heat of them), but when asked if the Gates would put solar panels on their roof, he replied:

Oh, we like to be cute like everyone. For rich people, this is OK. Rich people can do whatever they want.

You’re damn right, Bill. Not doing whatever you want is for poor people.  (Wired)

- Mind power: Brain implants could help people control artificial limbs in the near future. Their own limbs, not yours. That’d be weird.  (Discovery)

- Florida is fucked: “Hey everyone, I’m having a party. Oh, no one can go in the master bedroom, though.” We’ve all heard those words. But a teen in Florida is charged with murdering his parents and then having a party. The guests were unaware since the parents’ bedroom was locked.  (Reuters)

- Subwaymart: The Tesco in South Korea (should probably just say Korea, but food and technology do not exist in North Korea) setup a virtual market in the subway. Take a pic of the QR code to order food to your door:  (Kornfeld)

- She needs to clean more: That’s one nasty belly button, if that thing is coming out of it:  (Fuck Yeah Brazilian Girls)

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